Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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