Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
