John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
