Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
