this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
