I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Randomize
