My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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