apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
