So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
