Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm just crazy horny about you
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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