I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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