I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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