My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
