yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
