Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
