you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
