I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
