it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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