dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
