if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
