I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
