Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
