I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
