Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
