I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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