After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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