I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
