There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
