Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
you win again, gameday.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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