Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
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YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
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It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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