Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Liz is crying about burritos again.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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