So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
