forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
The power of my boobs compel you
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
