he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
