pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
