that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
