when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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