If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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