Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
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she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
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I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize