Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
