I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
