I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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