Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
