he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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