Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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