Tell her she can't have a vagina
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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