So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
