you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
