Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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