I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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