just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
