he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
