apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
