i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
