Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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