Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
