it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Houston, we have a squirter
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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