i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
