apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Randomize
