you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Randomize
